The Antichristian Phenomenon

I just saw this Greek post on making a multiple choice test in the Bible that I thought was brilliant and I couldn’t help but repost the translated version.

The following is basically a little test to see if you still remember the Good Book and all the nice values it has provided to you. Use it in case you need to freshen up your memory, to test if you children are paying attention in School and so on.

Try to figure out which are the correct answers and see how close to inspired perfection you stand. One of the following questions has more than one answer. Can you tell which one?

Good Luck!

1. A Few children were making fun of Prophet Elisha as he was going up a mountain, shouting at him “Get up baldie!”. Elisha…

   a) Cut the ears of 42 of them and made them eat them.
   b) Cursed them so that a fire broke out around them, burning 42 of the kids.
   c) Cursed them so that two bears came out of the woods and mauled 42 of them.
   d) Turned 42 of them into pigs.
2. What is the 10th Commandment that God gave to Moses to write on two stone plates in the Mount Sina

   a) Do not put one ox and one mule in the same field.
   b) Do not cook a kid (baby goat) in the milk of it’s mother.
   c) Do not sleep with a deaf-mute so that you don’t turn into a deaf-mute yourself.
   d) Do not open you house’s door to idol worshippers.
3. What is the name of God?

   a) Whiner.
   b) Cheater.
   c) Jealous.
   d) Naughty.
4. How should parents kill their son in case he’s drinking and talking back to them?

   a) Implate him.
   b) Stone him.
   c) Burn him alive.
   d) Decapitate him.
5. What happens if you’re not a (female) virgin on the first night of marriage?

   a) Your father must pay the husband 100 pail.
   b) Your husband whips you and then divorces you.
   c) You’re stoned to death.
   d) The whole village spits on you.
6. What is explicitly allowed to be eaten according to the Holy Writ? (All others are explicitly forbidden)

   a) Fried Oysters.
   b) Rabbit stew.
   c) Lemon Pork.
   d) Grasshoppers with ketchup.
7. According to the Holy Writ, God cannot defeat

   a) Those who have iron chariots.
   b) Those who have iron spears.
   c) Those who have iron swords.
   d) Those who have iron bows.
8. When Jephthah came victorious from battle, what did he burn on the alter as an offerring to God?

   a) His only son.
   b) His only daughter.
   c) His two small grandchildren.
   d) His wife.
9. What did David offer to Kind Saul so that he would get his daughter?

   a) The heads of 200 Phillistines.
   b) The dicks of 200 Phillistines.
   c) The testicles of 200 Phillistines.
   d) The penis skins of 200 Phillistines.
10. For what reason did God torture Job?

    a) Because God was bored and had nothing to do.
    b) Because Satan challenged him to destroy him for no reason.
    c) Because Job ate raw meat.
    d) Because Job forgot to use incense.
11. How does God punish pretentious women?

    a) He makes them bald, and exposes their cunt.
    b) He makes them full of zits, and exposes their tits.
    c) He makes them full of sores, and exposes their thighs.
    d) He makes the grow a beard, and exposes their arse.
12. What is the punishment for the lame?

    a) Do not approach the holy so that they do not desecrate them.
    b) They must pay double the tax as the healthy.
    c) The must burn double the amount of animals during sacrifices.
    d) They are not allowed to eat bread.
13. Which Christmas tradition is forbidden by God?

    a) Sing Christmas carols for money.
    b) Giving gifts.
    c) Decorating a tree.
    d) Eat turkey.
14. What did Jesus suggest people do, if they can tolerate it?

    a) Self-flaggelate
    b) Become a eunuch.
    c) Rip out their eyes.
    d) Stay unmarried.
15. Hare, according to the Holy Writ is:

    a) Marsupial
    b) Reptile
    c) Ruminant
    d) Predatory
16. How do we make animals with dots?

    a) We make them wear tunics with dots which can get discoloured, and leave them in the rain.
    b) We make them look things with dots while they’re drinking water.
    c) We throw them on the coals and take them immediately off them again.
    d) We make them stand under thinly grown Garlands every noon.
17. According to the Holy Writ, feeling come from…

    a) The intestines
    b) The stomach
    c) The liver
    d) The kidneys
18. Which from the following creatures appears in the Holy Writ?

    a) Unicorn
    b) Dragon
    c) Basilisk
    d) Satyr
19. When Jesus dies, which from the following miracles happened?

    a) A rain of blood fell over Jerusalem.
    b) All street of Jerusalem got full of zombies.
    c) All sheep in Jerusalem started baying.
    d) All wines in Jerusalem turned into vinegar.
20. Question 20 omitted because I’m too lazy (and obviously sinful) to translate all that text. Maybe later.

How well did you do? Compare your answers to the holy truth:

1. C (2 Kings 2:23-25)
2. B (Exodus 24:26-28)
3. C (Exodus 34:14)
4. B (Deuteronomy 21:18-21)
5. C (Deuteronomy 22:13-21)
6. D (Deuteronomy 14:7-8 and Leviticus 11:1-20)
7. A (Judges 1:19)
8. B (Judges 11:30-40)
9. D (1 Samuel 18:27)
10. B (Job 2:3)
11. A (Isaiah 3:16-17)
12. A (Leviticus 21:16-23)
13. C (Jeremiah 10:2-4)
14. B (Matthew 19:11)
15. A (Leviticus 11:6)
16. B (Genesis 30:37-39)
17. A (Psalms 7:9, 16:7, 26:2, 73:21, Proverbs 23:16)
18. All of the above (Isaiah 34:7, Numbers 23:22; 24:8, Deuteronomy 33:17, Deuteronomy 32:33, Psalms 74:13-14, Isaiah 13:21-22, 34:13-14, Proverbs 23:32)
19. B (Matthew 27:51-53)

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